Matters of Grave Concern - part 1
LOCAL writer, Colin Ella, has talked about amusing epitaphs to various groups over a wide area. In this new series he shares some of them with readers.
THIS series will take a look around the cemeteries of the world, a prospect which you may feel does not sound exactly the most exciting excursion.
But you see many years ago many of the inscriptions recorded on the headstones were not at all like the standardised messages of today, far from it.
In fact, all kinds of parting shots were fired at the deceased: just downright ridiculous.
Of course the graveyards of medieval times were also the venues for the travelling theatres of those times.
The wheeled pageants would roll into the cemetery and there, folk would enjoy the miracle, morality and mystery plays.
When all this declined much interest in graveyards was retained because of the splendid architecture often found there but also in the eye-catching epitaphs.
Later still cemeteries became tourist attractions and people would flock to Kensall Green, Highgate or to the large one in Glasgow to enjoy a saunter around.
We do not think of cemeteries as providing laughter but they certainly did just that at one time.
It may have been that early law thought that you could not libel the dead and so put little restriction on what folk wanted to write on a tomb.
Be that as it may these somewhat odd memorials are found worldwide but let us actually begin in the Isle of Axholme.
* True, the Isle's graveyards have little humour but this exception come from Luddington.
'The children of Israel wanted bread
The Lord did send them manna
Little Joe Mason wanted a wife
And the Devil sent him Hannah.'
* Sticking with the man and wife theme a very common epitaph is this..
'Rest in peace - until I come'
* One in the Lake District at Troutbeck reads:
'Here lies a woman - no man can deny it
She died in peace although she lived unquiet
Her husband prays - if ever this way you walk
You should tread quiet - if she wakes - she'll talk.'
* One of my favourites has the lines:
'Here lies my husband. He was dishonest, erotic, erratic, irresistable, irrepressible, wanton, untrustworthy, and a liar.
Sadly missed by his ever loving wife.'
n Limericks often serve as epitaphs and this one was seen in Ryde Cemetery on the Isle of Wight unless more seemly times have removed it.
'There was an old lady of Ryde
Who swallowed some apples and died
The apples fermented
Inside the lamented
Made cider inside her inside
* Married couples often enjoy a chuckle about each others idiosyncrasies as we see illustrated on the TV Mr and Mrs programmes. It all reminds us of the old ditty -
'Women's faults are many
Men have only two
Everything they say
And everything they do.'
* This particular send off, if nothing else, is certainly blunt:
'A fault finding woman - a tongue like a knife
A heartfelt believer
A voice like a thrush
This was our friend
She lived long enough.'
* Recorded on the grave of a dentist were the words:
'Stranger - approach this spot with gravity
John Brown is filling his last cavity.'
* And one from Wales goes:
Deep in this grave lies lazy Dai
Waiting the last great trump on high
If he's as fond of his grave as he was of his bed
He'll be the last man up when that roll call's said.'
* For this week I will leave you with the housewife's lament , also known as 'The maid of All Works'. It is said it may have been for an unfortunate Sheffield washerwoman called Catherine Alsopp who hanged herself in 1905. The actual epitaph is seen in Hertfordshire.
'Here lies a woman who was always tired
She lived in a house where help was not hired
Her last words on earth were
'Dear friend I am going
Where washing ain't done
Nor sweeping nor sewing
But everything here is exact to my wishes
For where they don't eat
There's no washing of dishes
I'll be where anthems will always be ringing
But having no voice I'll be clear of the singing
Don't mourn for me now,
don't mourn for me never
I'm going to do nothing for ever and ever.'
Next week in Part 2 - A Real Mix of Send Offs
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Wednesday 08 February 2012
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