'Here lie the bones of Joseph Jones
Who ate whilst he was able
But once over fed - he dropped down dead
And fell beneath the table
When from the tomb to meet his doom
He rises amidst sinners
Since he must dwell in heaven or hell
Take him which gives best dinners'

There are epitaphs which deal with every occupation from A to Z and this one, seen on a grave at St Hilda's Church, Hartlepool, is for a playing card maker. Notice all the references to card playing.
'Ephrain Judd - the card maker
His card is cut - long days he shuffled through
The game of life - he dealt as others do
Though he by honours tells not his amount
When the last trump is played his tricks will count'

Here's a mystery from Great Yarmouth.
'Here lies the body of Nicholas Round
Who was lost at sea and never was found'
At Oakham, in Rutland, this accident occurred and you can picture such a thing happening.
'The Lord saw good - I was lopping off wood
And fell down from the tree
I was met with a check
And broke my neck and so death lopped off me'

From a grave in Whitby we have:-
'Sudden and unexpected was the end
Of our esteemed, beloved friend
He gave himself a sudden shock
By falling into Sunderland Dock'
It is a fact that people have been killed by lightning and there is an example of this at Great Dorrington. The deceased had been a magician so there is a play of words on that theme.
'Here lies a man who was killed by lightning
He died when his prospects seemed to be brightening
He might have cut a flash in this world of trouble
But the flash cut him and he lies in stubble'

Graves for animals and pets are frequently seen and they too, often suffer accidents. In a field next to the isolated Withens Hotel high on the moors above Halifax two dogs are buried. They were drowned in 1891.
'Here lie the bodies of Wallet and Dart
Who in their last race made a capital start
But their owners lamented they never got through it
Alas - they were drowned in Thornton conduit'

Many epitaphs record more unusual deaths from fires, pit disasters, wars, murders and many other causes. Norfolk is a county of many a strange tale and in Martham St Mary's churchyard, not far from the boating centre of Potter Heigham, there is a grave commemorating one Alice Burraway with this very odd inscription.
'In this life she was my sister
My mistress, my mother
And my wife'

Well, I suppose this bizarre bunch of words requires an explanation. You see her husband was born following an incestuous relationship between his sister and his father. Unknowingly he later married his own sister having previously worked for her. So all that adds up to what it says on the grave.
An inscription at Malmesbury is to a lady who was killed by an escaped tiger.
'In memory of Hannah Twynnoy
Who died October 23rd, 1703 - aged 33 years
In bloom of life - she's snatched from hence
She had not room to make defence
For Tiger fierce took life away
And here she lies - in a bed of clay
Until the resurrection day'

Accidents are very often an unfortunate occurrence on Guy Fawkes Night as fireworks explode across the country. I will end this week's selection with what is said about Simon Gilker who was killed by a rocket on Bonfire Night. He lived at Minster-in-Sheppey.
'Here lieth the body of Simon Gilker, junior
Who was killed by means of a rocket
On November 5th 1690 - aged 48 years'

Next week in Part 6 - The Parish Pump Strikes